Tears of neverending sorrow, laughter of infinte happines
by alice.nowland
Summary: 8 years after war Wizarding world is slowly going to another one. Hermione who has found herself in another battle is trying to realize what she should do next, feels lost and so she begins to think of the past, of meeting with Severus and other men, of getting pregnant...and thinks if all steps she took were right. Snape doesn't die in Hogwarts, I also ignore the epiloge. Rate M
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one **

A tear rolled down on my face. "You don't have to stay, you can go with us! Please!" I cried pushing my palm against his chest gently. He seemed to be so calm, although I knew that inside he was destroyed, destroyed by pain and fear, but it didn't make it any better.

I was desperate, I didn't know what to do or how to act. We were in war…again. You know, the book is closed and then everyone has a comforting feeling that everything is going to be all right, but the truth is, it's not always that bright as it seems to be.

It began with small revolutions of old deatheatrs who weren't imprisorned and with some relatives of those who were. They were not worth mentioning. Afterwards, they became stronger and stronger and I had a feeling like a I have used the time-turner and got myself 8 years back, the only thing which didn't fit in this strange nightmare was that I wasn't the young 17-year old girl with power to beat the evil anymore.

I have lost some of the energy I used to have, I know it seems like a 60-year old lady wrote it , but it's truth. I'm tired, tired of worrying as it has been so much stress in the last 3 years.

Yes, it has been going on for 3 years now. Of course, not so intensive for the whole time, but it has been 3 years since the first „stronger" „demonstration" or how to call the incident when a bunch of people in black clothes and silly masks (which they think can hide their identity – or their behaving?) meet in streets to kill young couples in streets, whole families

– whole families except that one last member for whom (as they know) living doesn't have a sense anymore and they actually wish to die, wish to protect their family or at least, when they can't, hopefully meet them in the heavan.

These people don't find joy in killing people, they find joy in killing happiness.

Of course, there are some people among them with sad destiny, there are children of some deatheaters who went to Azkaban and died in a few days – yes, they were able to kill hundreds of people, but they weren't able to survive with memories of wishes of their victims to save their children, grandmas, grandpas, lovers, wives…in front of their faces.

They probably weren't heartloss, but they weren't strong enough to do anything against the dark Lord either. Maybe because of fear for their family, or maybe because of fear of their own death. Still, those destinies cannot apologize such acts.

Yes, I am desperate and tired of worrying, but not for my life. I am desperately worried for life of my lover – Severus, and God, for death feared for my little Jordan, the sunshine of my life. It has been two years after the battle excatly, when I have first met Severus after getting the thoughts of his there in Hogwarts.

He hasn't died, thanks to Neville to whom I told about him and his situation and who was so brave to almost lose his own life to get Madame Pomfrey to Severus and try to help him.

I was actually supposed to be engaged that time – with Ron, of course. Both families – mine and his were expecting to get married any time soon at that time, as we have been together too long in their eyes for not to move our relationship forward.

And of course, they were trying to push us in the marriage as they couldn't stand being without grandchildren so long. Or at least – Mrs. Wealsey was, as all of Ron's siblings seemed to try to catch what they have lost in the past years so having children or getting married was the last thing they have been thinking of.

Actually, it wouldn't be complete truth that no of his sibling didn't want to have children soon, Bill and Fleur did. However, they have been trying for a baby even during the last year of the war, as they said „there is never ideal time to have children", but they haven't been succesful for quite a long time.

It made Fleur very unhappy, so a year after winning the battle, they decided to take a break from everything for some time and try to have a family later. So they ended up as all other Weasley siblings travelling, discovering new places, new cultures and enjoying the World as it was, at least for some time.

So when it came to grandchildren, Mrs. Weasley was hoping that me and Ron could be the first to give her one.

On the other hand, I understand why she thought so, Ron was the only one from the seven children who was trying to focus on his job in the Ministry of Magic after the War. When Voldemort was finally defeated, everyone was trying to get as much as posibble from the life.

It is understandable, Voldemort was gone and you have survived. Your family has survived or at least a part of it. You had a strong need to experience something, something new, something exceting…and something out of work.

The Wizarding world has gone crazy, there were only a few people who realized what it could mean for our world if we wouldn't continue in living how we have before the war.

There were many things to repair. Voldemort was gone, but he has left us a lot of memories and I don't mean just the sorrow. The whole Wizarding World needed to be restored. However, not all the poeple seemed to understand that so it ended up that not all of the death eaters who vere supposed to be caught and put into Azkaban really were.

Harry was trying his best as well, but it takes much more people to do such a great thing and besides, he was very exhausted as well. For the first time in 17 years, he could walk the streets without a worry there would be a bunch of people out there trying to get him.

O.K., that isn't actually truth, as there were still some crazy death eaters trying to revenge, however, it wasn't that intensive kind of stress for him anymore.

He could finally enjoy being with Ginny and try to bring the World to her feet – and he almost did so! Really! I think, he wanted to catch all the moments he has lost when they two were seperated while me and Ron were together.

It is a paradox, as it didn't take even a year for me and Ron to realize that it wasn't a real love between us. Of course, it was some kind sensibility – for sure, but it wasn't love.

We were both lost in our lives – who wouldn't be? But we couldn't live the life together, I am happy we have realized it at the same time, so although it wasn't hurtless, we were able to save our friendship afterwards, which isn't very common among ex-lovers.

So Harry was in love with Ginny and was able to fullfil all of her dreams and wishes while was still working next to it try to do his best.

All right, I picture it very very dark, it wasn't that bad with the wizarding World that time, there were still quite many people trying to restore the World, but still it wasn't enough and it was clear there were some wholes in the Wizarding World which could be quite easily broken by people, who wanted to punch our society again. Just noone really expected or at least didn't want to believe, that something like that could happen.

I didn't.

I wasn't strong enough to do.

It was actually the anniversary of the end of the battle when I have met Severus after such a long time. He wanted to be alone for some time, which I understood after all what has happened, and beside that – it's still Severus, he doesn't enjoy being in society much, so it was no surprise I haven't seen him for a long time. He was staying in the other corner of the room to which people came to celebrate and get drunk together after some of the encouraging speeches.

I wasn't very in the mood to listen to anyone telling me that after we fall we can get up so easily, we just need the hope and will. I didn't believe in that rubbish at tgat moment, I have broken up with Ron two motnhs ago and was confused.

I wasn't sad because of doing that, I knew it was a good step which could finally move me forward, as we both knew that our realiton ship isn't leading us anywhere, I was simply confused of not knowing where to lead my own life now. The War was over, mission finished.

I was trying to focus on my work as Ron did and it seemed to work for him, as I know he did as well as a kind of distraction, life was hard after the War. It's not like drub and say it's gone, the pain of losing dear ones leaves slowly, like it didn't really want to leave. And work wasn't really fullfilling my life completely – surprisingly. I was good in it, I was succesful, but it wasn't enough.

I needed some else, something what Ron couldn't give me and I have known much longer time he would never able to. Although he tried.

I went through the room to the other door in hope I could find some calmer place. I have just looked to the other room from the opened door when a voice behind my back has reached me. „It's not any better there, just those who are in a bit too much good mood from all the celebrating and drinking try to find a place to rest in the company of their hopefully sober friends."

I turned back and I have faced him – Severus. His eyeas reached mine and he tried to make a small smile. I smiled back and then nodded my head and grinned a bit. „I was trying to find a calmer place, this is all too much for me right now."I have said a bit exhausted. „I am afraid, it's not going to be any better in the future years."His deep voice answered.

„Well, I mean I am not really in the mood to listen to all those speeches, it hasn't healed yet." „I wouldn't say it's just because of the whole thing is still so recent, I find it disguisting because all the people there listening to the hero speeches and nodding in understandment have nothing to do with the whole war at all. Or at least not on our side.

And now they come and say how horibble it has been for them. For them! They have no idea what it means to be in War. What it really means to fight and try and risk your life! They have no idea what it means to see all those people die without having opportunity to help them…" His voice has dimed.

I looked at him in confusion. „I am sorry, I didn't' want to bother you with my deep thoughts, too deep for such a young lady for whom the whole World still awaits…"He gave me a small nod and then turned back. „It doesn't."

„Sorry?" He turned back slowly. „You have said the whole World awaits me. It is not truth. Before the war everyone thought it would all change if we would win. That the life would be so bright and shiny as it used to but those people were wrong.

The War is over and I have no idea what I am going to do, I have lost many of my close friends, friends who were a family to me. Me and my boyfriend have found out we are not meant to be together and because of this decision my parents currently don't talk to me as they loved him probably more than I would ever be able to.

Everyone thought it would be all amazing now, but I don't see it. I don't find happiness in myself anymore and I know I was able to do so in the past…"

I have said that and then I have suddenly stopped. Severus stared at me and didn't say a word. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to say so much, you don't care about my stupid life anyway, it's just…I have been full all of these emotions and noone seems to understand it at all."

„No, now it's you being wrong. I am listening." I looked at him in complete shock. He has changed, I don't know why or how but he did. The tall black-dressed proffesor who used to bully students was different. Just by the fact he has told me so much, without any reason, withou really knowing me.

Yes, I have said a lot too, much much more than he has, but that's just because I cannot keep my mouth shut for a longer time and because of something, I cannot tell made me thing I could trust him.

That he would listen, after all he has to know in the first place what it is like to deal with such a sorrow. „Don't you want to get out of here for a while, Miss Granger?" He asked after a while, trying to ignore an old man in the room behind him singing out of tune the national hymn. I nodded and so we went out of the room.

Please review and let me know what you think about it. Wheter I should continue or not. :-)


	2. Chapter 2

We haven't looked at each other until we got out of the building, as it wasn't very easy to get through the laughing crowds. When I was finally outside, I have felt much better, I don't know if it was just because of the fresh air, or by the relief that I am finally out of the whole embarassing happening.

Maybe it was just that I was with Severus alone for the first time. A subdued noise was coming from the opened door and I have finally looked at Severus, it was hard to guess how he felt, as I simply couldn't read in his neutral face.

"Don't we go for a short walk?"He asked slowly and I nodded toward the direction of a path, leading to a small wood. It was a very late afternoon but it wasn't very dark yet, as it was hot summer and the Sun has spent a long time on the sky these days, before it set.

"I would go to these woods, it's quite a nice place for a walk." "If you think." Was the only answer I got so I led us there, through the paths I used to go through as a little child. In recent time I've liked to follow my childhood steps a lot. It'so nice to remember the days when the only fear was the darkness in my bedroom.

We walked in complete silent, he didn't seem to want to say anything and I didn't want to interrupt the silence myself. We have walked this just about half an hour, but it has seemed to last for hours. He was strange, in the celebrating room he seemed he wanted to talk with me, after all it was him who began our conversation, which was pretty pleasant and I thougt it would continue during our walk, but it didn't.

Suddenly, he became the unsociable person I used to know and I didn't know why he did so or how to change it. Finally we have come to crossroad with a bench in the middle. "I think we should return now, I don't remember exactly where these two paths lead to."I looked at him as I broke the silence. It felt a bit akward to do so, but he didn't seemed to be bothered by it.

"That's all right, let's try to go left. I really don't want return yet, I am expected to give a speech which is the last think I would want to do. I don't need anyone to shake my hands for being so brave during the war" I didn't know what to respond, so I simply nodded and followed him on the path leading left.

With every step we took the wood became darker and darker, I don't know if it was because of the wood or the time, as I had no idea what the time was, maybe it was because of the atmosphere as from leaving the crossrode the emberassing silence continued. However, when Severus finally stopped it was very dark, that I have recognized just his silhouette.

"You know, people tell you not to lose the hope, no mather the circumstances, but it sucks."

"Sorry?"

"I have lost mine when Lily died, the only one I reached after that was fullfiling the mission I had to complete. My job was to help Harry defeat Voldemort, to make sure he would be all right, I have fullfiled my mission and I was supposed to die that night. Lily did so, she died protecting Harry, giving him the chance to live, I was supposed to act the same way. My sense to live has died with her that night, I have lived only because she would want me to protect Harry, while she couldn't, but then I was supposed to die! That night in Hogwarts, I was supposed to die! But thanks to you I am alive!"

His voice wasn't gentle anymore, you couldn't feel any compassion or understandment in it now. He was cold. I couldn't see his face, but I was sure it's better that way, as his voice was frighening enough.

"I thought you would want to live if you had a chance. A real life. You have been nothing than surviving from Lily's death, I thought that the World was too unfair to you to let you die that night."

"Don't try to analyse me, Miss Granger! You didn't known any of my thoughts or wishes and it was none of your buisness! I think that night there was enough to care about. You should let me die that night."

He has made a step forward me but I didn't step backwards.

"I did what I thought was the best!"

"But you had no idea what was the best! Why didn't you let me die? Was it so hard for you not to be a hero for once?!"

He has made one more step forward and he has stopped right in front of me, that even in the darkness it was posibble to recongize all features of his face.

"I had to kill so many people while I was working for Voldemort, I could kill one more. If I just knew that it was the revange which would make me free..."

I put my hand in the pocket to take my wand out, but he was faster than me.

"Don't try such things on me." And took it from my hand, he put out his own wand and cought my neck. He pointed the wand against my temple.

"I thought you deserved a real life! I had no idea what it would mean for any of us to live after the war."

I have whispered in a hope to make him put the wand down. He was broken. Completely broken and unless I was in his strong grip I would understand his behaving. He needed to make others hurt as well. "So this the reason why you went out with me? Did you know it from the very first moment you have seen me? It was your intention for the whole time? To get me and hurt me?" I asked a bit bitterly, but not too much to make sure it didn't make him angry enough to kill me immediatly.

"No, I didn't. Just from the moment you have shown compassion to me. As it was actually you who have caused all of this crap which is happening to me. Why did you did it to me?!" He shook with me a bit, a tear has glisted in his eye in the moonlight and then he has slowly put the wand down. "I – I am sorry…I didn't mean to – to hurt you. You were the first person after such a long time who actually cared, I am such a fool. I just…" And then I put one my hand on his cheek and waited until his eyes reached mine. Than I slowly nodded. The tears began to roll down from his eyes immediatly. "Thank you."

I hope you are not going to throw rocks at me, I just felt the story should go this way. It's a short one, but I thought I should show you the way I would like to lead this story. Review please, to let me know your opinion if it's still worth continuing! :-)


	3. Chapter 3

I didn't know what to think about it. The previous evening was strange. I ought to be angry with him, but I just couldn't make myself to. He was so unhappy, that I couldn't think about anything else. I didn't care that he tried to hurt me, I just thought of how lost he must have felt.

„That's called love." I turned back and saw Ginny coming to me to the kitchen with a grin on her face. I stopped thinking and realized that I have been looking in the fridge for about five minutes without taking anything out o fit. I looked at Ginny and blushed a bit and shook my head a bit to show her (or maybe myself) she's wrong.

„Oh God Ginny! I am not in love! Where did you get such a stupid thought?" Ginny knew what happened in the forest – not all o fit, I missed the part with Severus pointing his wand on me while I was telling her. She is one of a few very close friends I actually have and after that evening I really needed to tell someone. She decided to visit me - although she planned to be on her way to Bolivia with Harry by this time. „Well, let me think. I looked at you and you told me." „No, I didn't!" „Not with words, but it's clear that…" „Severus and I are just friends! Or maybe not even that.

I actually don't know but what I know for sure is, that I am NOT in love with him! Ginny stop it!" Ginny began laughing and with each word I said her laughter grew a bit.

„Sorry, it's just that you're so funny trying to persuade yourself that there is nothing between you and him although you know that…"

„All right, that's enough! Just because you are so much in love with Harry it doesn't mean that everyone else in the World has to be in love too. I am satisfied living on my own and he last thing I want is to be in love. I care about Severus because he is going through difficult time and he can understand what I go through as well. That's why I think we could get on pretty well."

„That's why you are going on dinner next Friday with him, you wanted to say…" Ginny grinned. „Ginny!" I took the tea towel and threw it at her. Very soon after the evening in the woods I got an owl with a letter from him in which he asked wheter I wouldn't mind accompany him on Friday evening during some interview he was supposed to give. He has been avoiding such things as long as it was posibble, but eventually the Order of Phoenix persuaded him that it would be good if each of the main warriors leave at least some information and thoughts for next generations.

He hardly believed someone would actually care about his thoughts and opinions, but at the end he agreed to do so. As the time of meeting with the reporter became closer, he realized he really didn't want to do it, but he couldn't change it anymore. He has promised to do so and he has always tried to keep his promises.

I didn't mind to accompany him, if it made him feel better, but as I was watching Ginny's reaction, I began regret a bit…Ginny couldn't stand it anymore and began to laugh unstoppably. After a few seconds I had to laugh too, so we were staying in the kitchen for a while just laughing and throwing the tea towel at each other.

Ginny was a great friend, but she couldn't understand everything. She just wanted to find a lover for me in every man I have met in recent days since I have split up with Ron. Sometimes I had a feeling she tried to get me someone when I was still with Ron. On the other hand, it's truth it's hard to say if me and Ron actually ever were real lovers maybe that's why she as Ron's sister took it so well when we split up. I think she knew, of course she knew as everyone else, me and Ron was just a question of time.

However, I want to be on my own for some time now, I don't need anything but a good friend.

The time gone unbelievable fast and before I could even realized it, I was staying in front of the door leading to the restaurant where I was supposed to meet with Severus. "Come on, it's gonna be fine! You're just two friends meeting up in a restaurant" I was trying to calm myself down. Why should I be nervous? There is absolutely no reason for that! But it didn't help much, I went to the room and looked around.

Severus told me he would be sitting in the left corner of the room and so he did, there was already a young blond lady sitting on a chair in front of him and he seemed feeling quite inconvenient. However, as I had gone to the table and he noticed me, he began to look a bit more relaxed.

"Good evening." I said while I was sitting down on a chair next to Severus, which he has moved for me so I could sit comfortably.

"Thank you." I smiled at him and he gave me something, which might (just might) had been called a smile as well.

"Good evening." The blond girl said. "My name's Melissa, it's very nice to finally meet you."

"Thank you, I am Hermione Granger."

"Of course, I do know who you are! And I am very happy you have decided to join our report. Interview of a couple who has been in the middle of the war and survived will be much more interesting for our readers." She gave me a big smile and opened her notepad.

"We are not a couple." Severus said coldly, looking at the woman without any special interest.

"We are just friends." I corrected her. "And I was actually hoping, rather than giving my own report to let speak Mr. Snape and maybe add some mine thoughts to it. I don't really need to have an article in the magazine, I have already given a lot of interviews and I don't think there is really much left unsaid." I said hoping it wouldn't be necessary to give another never ending report from the Wizarding War.

"Well, I thought it would be very nice to make it as a report of two people. Although just friends." She looked a bit disappointed but a bit suspicious as well. I already began to worry what she was going to publish from her personal notes. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea…

"Really, you don't have to worry about the interview. I won't ask too much!" And she gave me a big smile. To most of her questions I have already answered in different magazines, but when I have mentioned it, it didn't make her feel any kind of uncomfortable. She has just said that it would be always good to inform people about how tough the war was and than she continued.

About three-quarters later, she excused herself and went to the toilets. I turned to Severus and didn't find him that annoyed as I expected. Of course, he wasn't laughing of joy, but he didn't seem very frustrated either.

"Are you all right?" I asked him and he nodded. "You surprised me you actually arrived. Especially after what has happened the other night."

"Look, you didn't act nicely to me that night, I admit. But that doesn't mean we couldn't be friends, if you can tell me I don't have to worry that such a thing would happen again. If you can, then let's forget about it for good and be friends."

"Why do you do it? Because you pity me? If so then stop it, I don't need your compassion!"

I frowned a bit and then said: "If you think so why did you owl me? I came because after what happened, I still think we could be quite good friends as we both have gone through difficult times which not many people understand."

"I owled you, because I wanted to have a chance to apologise for my behaving but that's all. I am afraid there is too huge chasm between the two of us to be friends. I am sorry if you thought I would appreciate it, but I have to disappoint you, Miss Granger."

I stared at him for a second in surprise and then frowned a bit again. He has called me Miss Granger. It was like he rebuilt the barrier which seperated the distance between us and didn't allow to come any closer. I felt so relaxed with him, and I am sure that if nothing else he didn't feel uncomfortable with me. After all he didn't really have to apologize to me and ask me to accompany him tonight. But still...

"Why do you think that?"

"I am twice older than you are, Miss Granger and I was your teacher back in Hogwarts. You are on the other hand very young and a quite naive and don't really know what the life is like. So I don't think we would have much to talk about now or in the future. Maybe for a minute I thought you have grown up but I am afraid you are still the silly know it all student, just a bit confused and searching for support. I'm afraid you didn't pick the right person to turn to."

"Fine! If you see it this way then there really isn't much to talk about."

I stood up from the table just to crash into Melissa. She raised her eyebrow a bit and with a sweet voice asked "Are you leaving already?" She must have heard something from our argument as I could see her suspicion became even bigger. She was now looking couriously from me to Severus and back again. Probably getting inspiration for a new best selling article..."Yes, I really have to leave now, but it was nice to meet you Melissa." I made myself smile a bit and shook her hand. Than I turned towards the main door and left without looking at Severus again.


	4. Chapter 4

After giving the interview I wanted to get home as fast as posibble. When I came there to meet Severus I hoped to have a nice evening in good atmosphere, I really believed he could have had good time with me as well as I with him, but he was acting so nasty! And without a really good reason! I didn't want anything but to meet and talk a bit, was that so much?!

I honestly didn't have many people around me with who I would feel the same way. We may didn't talk much, but that little conversation we have shared gave me more than hours of nonsense talking with any of my ex classmates or colleagues...But if he finds me being a silly student who has no idea what the life is then fine! I hope the old creepy bastard returns home being alone again and will continue diving in his own bitterness which as I guess is his only pleasure in the World, if I don't count bullying students and trying to interrupt beautiful day of other people, who may cross his way, of course.

Although I have told myself I do not care about the stupid selfish machest anymore, I couldn't fall asleep. I haven't slept even for three hours when I was woken up by my alarm. Oh how I hate mornings! Or to be accurate - how I hate not to sleep enough and then being in the position of facing the new day with its responsibilites which don't fade away just because I am tired. For today it ment to visit Ginny.

I had to stop at work first, as there was some unfinished work which needed to be checked (or maybe which I needed to check to push the visit of Ginny more forward and get some time to sort my thoughts a bit) but after all I went to see my friend to be asked about every tiny detail of the previous evening. She smashed the door open and with shinning stars in her eyes asked: "So how was it?"

"How was what?"

"Don't be silly! How was the date with professor Snape? You know who I mean, the grumpy bat of Hogwarts' dungeons!" She grinned and let me go in, without stopping looking at me curiously.

"First, it wasn't a date. It was a meeting with a friend. And second at the end it wasn't even that, it was just an option for Mr. Snape," I made sure I said these words with deep disgustment, "to apologise me for..."

"For what?" Ginny raised her eyeborow and I realized that I have again screwed up something for once.

"For nothing. Forget about it please, he just wanted to see me to explain me that we don't have anything in common to meet again or so."

"What kind of rubbish are you trying me to believe?"

"Just the truth."

"What does he mean you have nothing in common? What did happen that night?"

"Nothing important, really. Especially now, when he told me what he did."

"I am so sorry, Hermione."

"For what? For an old grumly dungeon spider dumping of? Ginny really, there is really no reason for that. Yes, I cared about him because I felt good in his presence, I won't lie you, but it was just an illusion, illusion of a great man I wanted to have around. A hero, I wished I would meet one day, but it was just a dream and I shouldn't have hoped it would come true..."

"I had no idea it meant so much to you, I am really sorry..." "It didn't, it's just...I don't even know him, or at least not as a personality which he is now. I have just this misty picture of him which is changing in each second and then of course the picture of the grumpy teacher of potions living in Hogwarts dungeons. It is just so messy, I have spent with him just that one evening which in addition didn't show him in the best light and still there was something which made me oversee all these flaws and like him, at least untill meeting him again yesterday...Ginny I don't know..."

I looked at her with hope that she could be the one who would fix all this mess up. She stood silent for a moment and then said: "Hermione, I don't have answers for everything either, but what is important now is that this chapter of your life is over now, it was a short one, but it's over, it was just another piece of the confusing strange puzzle which you're putting together now, but I am sure you will finish it soon and everything will be all right again."

She gave me an encouraging hug that I almost had a feeling like I am twelve again in the arms of Molly. Ginny definitely was the daughter of her mother. She was slowly becoming the same welcoming, wise, comforting lady and I was glad I could have had such a friend around me. "I just wish I wouldn't have to go through all of this you know, sometimes...Sometimes I feel so lost and lonely and then after such a long time there is a guy arond me who seems to understand how I feel and listens, or maybe not, Ginny I don't know! Maybe the whole reason to waste time with me was to try revange for what I did! Maybe it wasn't about me at all..."

"What are you talking about, what did you do?"

"I didn't let him die." Ginny looked at me in shock and then nodded.

We have stayed in silence for a while again, when I realized that in recent days it is all about me, I didn't even ask my friend what was new! Oh, God! This must stops! Right now, I am acting the same way the man I currently hate does! There was enough of pitying myself today, let's move on.

"Ginny?"

"Yeah?"

"How is it with Harry? How was your trip to Bolivia? I thought you were supposed to spend more time on your vacation."

"Yes, we were, but Harry was called from work immediately so we had to return after four days."

"Oh, the fucking Voldemort! It seems you are not going to have a peacful time even after the war either. In my opinion you are the first people who should have some time off and not to work all the time."

"Hermione, it's Harry! There is nothing, absolutelly nothing what would keep him away of saving people's lives."

"Really nothing, not even...?"

Ginny blushed a bit. "O.K., O.K.! Stop it Hermione, for some time there are things which makes him not to leave, but it doesn't work all the time...And actually, our holiday fullfiled its purpose, so I wasn't that upset to leave."

I looked at her with a question and she showed me her hand with a beautiful shinning ring with a blue diamont in it. "Oh my God, Ginny! You are engaged!" "Yes, I am." She smiled with happines in her eyes and I finally understood her great mood since my arrival.

"When did he propose?"

"The day we were supposed to leave. He told me he couldn't stay longer because of his work duties and that he was really sorry, but that he wouldn't wait any longer to do that, because there was nothing he wished so much than to spend the rest of his life with me." Ginny told with eyes on her feet blushing.

"I am so happy for you two! There is no other pair to which I would wish it so much as to you." I smiled at her when she finally stopped blushing and looked at me.

"So are you going to be my bride witness?"

"Really me? Are you sure I am the best person for it. You've got many other friends who would be thankful to do it..."

"I don't know about any better person than you. You know both of us for such a long time, you're my best friend and...and you were with Harry when I couldn't protecting him and trying to solve all of the mess there was happening during Voldemort's time."

"Of course, I would be very honoured to do so!" We hugged once more and then decided to celebrate a bit, in a muggle bar.

"Hermione, you know what? You should get out of here for some time."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I think you haven't been much anywhere since the war and I have seen it while being in Bolivia or anywhere else abroad, it's so much helpful, while you're dealing any problems, just to go somewhere far away, and forget about it for a moment and focus just on discovering the place and yourself and getting to know new people. You really should give it a try! Take a few weeks of and go! Somewhere. Anywhere. It will help you."

"I'll think about it, but I don't think my boss would be very happy for me not to be at work for such a long time."

"Send your boss to hell! When was the last time you went on a vacation? When was the last time you weren't at work for just 3 days?"

"Well...I'm not really sure."

"You see? Go and explore, the World is not just London and Hogwarts, there is much more to see."

"But I love London, I really do. But it is true I could go to see somewhere else for once too."

"That's what I am saying." She grinned.

"But now, when are you going to have your wedding?"

"Well, we have engaged on the 9th of May, rigt? So we were thinking of the 9th of September as the ideal time for there wedding, there is still plenty of time for all the neccesary planning but it's not too far away."

"That sounds nice, and is it going to be a big wedding?"

"Well, Harry acutally doesn't want a really huge one and me neither, but there are many people who have been supporting Harry for such a long time that we have to invite some of them so it's gonna be more than just family and friends, unfortunatelly. But I will try to keep it as personal as posibble."

"That's a good plan."

"So do you know where you are going? But keep on mind that anywhere you are going to be, my owl will visit you daily to give you my letters with questions about wedding place, decoration or the right dress..."

"Yes, I was afraid of it. I grinned and then we had to laugh.

"What's the cause of such happiness, beautiful ladies?" We turned left and saw Dean Thomas, a classmate of Gryffindor!

"Dean! What are you doing in here?" I stood up from the bar chair and hugged him, as well as Ginny did then.

"I actually live quite near here, at the corner of Green park."

"Are you kidding me? We have been going here with Ginny for such a long time and never really met you before." He grinned and then asked:

"Can I get you some drinks?" I looked at Ginny and she nodded so I said. "Martini please, twice." He smiled and asked the waiter to get us our order.

"So what's the news? We haven't seen for, how long was it? Two years?"

"Yes, it runs fast."

"Absolutelly! Last week I met Seamus and he already has a baby!"

"Seamus? Really? I thought he wanted to go study dragons, as well as Charlie Weasley did." I said surprised.

"Well he did, but returned back after six months we a girlfriend. She's kind of a dragon if you saw her, you'd agree!" We laughed and then ginny asked: "Are you meeting anyone from Hogwarts, now?"

"Not really, I have heard something about George having tough times getting along his buisness, but I don't know if it is really truth. But that's all."

"It is truth!"

"How do you know it?" "For Godness sake, because I am his sister!" She said a bit angrily but had to smile a bit. Sometimes, people know some of the Weasley's siblings but they didn't realize that all of them are bonded together, probably as there were such huge age differences among them.

"And what are you doing right now?"

"I am actually going abroad soon."

"Do you really? And to where? And when?" "I don't know yet, I have just decided a few minutes before."

"O.K., then go to New Zeland, beautiful landscapes and hills, it's very easy to clear your mind there. Try it!"

"Fine, I will think about it. And how did you come up with this country?"

"My boss is actually sending me thre in two weeks with my job as a reporter for a few months, so I thought it could be nice to have a chance to meet you again..." I have blushed and then said: 'Oh, you are such..." But then I had to laugh as well as he and Ginny did.

All right then, let's give it a chance. There is nothing bonding me home, so let's go to New Zeland!

Hi! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I am sorry if you are finding the story too slowly going, but it's not going to be one of those 5-chapter stories. ;-)  
If you liked it, review please! If you didn'T like, then review please!


	5. Chapter 5

I often remember of the times when I took three months off and went to the other side of the World to explore. More than about anything else from that period of my life. It was a wonderful time, hard to describe. Although I almost lost my job beacuse of leaving for a quater of the year, it was worth every sacrifice it would take and it didn't ask for so much, after all.

I fell in love with this country of Kiwi inhabitants, these parts of the World has always been close to my heart, as well as to hearts of my parents. That's why I chose Australia as the place to leave them live without memories when I went to defeat Voldemort with Harry and Ron. I knew that if I didn't make it, they could live happily there, as they always dreamt about these parts of the World.

I have spent a lot of time just trekking in the hills, which have been almost forgotten. Those which weren't discovered by tourists yet so you could feel being a part of the nature again. I have spent a lot of time with Dean as well, in the end more than I would expect. It was very pleasant as well as all other things with which I spent my free days there.

Sometimes we went to have a dinner together, sometimes we walked the whole night through the city or went to do some trek together, as we both found the passion for the pure nature. I have already spent too much time inside the library, I loved it, but now it was time to walk out and enjoy the fresh air and I tell you one think - if nothing else, it was wonderful.

Dean didn't work in the same place I stayed, although it is hard to say where I stayed, it would be acutally easier to say where I didn't, as I was moving from place to place all the time. Sometimes, when the place was so gorgeous to steal a part of my heart and settle in it, I stayed longer. Sometimes I was able to spend 3 weeks just in that one concrete place, but usually I have stayed just a few nigths and continued. That's the great thing about travelling for wizards and witches, that no matter where you are, it's not that difficult to get anywhere else. So when Dean asked me to go out with him for the first time, I was currently at the other corner of the country, but I still had enough time to dress up proparly and get there five minutes before we agreed to meet.

He was very nice and gentle, I wouldn't call it love by first sight, but I felt happy and satisfied and that's what mattered. With each day we spent together we became closer and closer and I would lie if I said, we were cold during the night in the mountains when we set out for a trek after about a month and half after our first dinner we spent together. It was amazing, cooling, nice and much much more. We were enjoying each day or part of it we spent together as much as we could and Ginny began to be a bit grumpy in her letters beacuse of me not replying to her for ages.

I was simply happy and succesfuly denied everything from my previous life. It was hard but important to realise as well, after my return, which wasn't any near by that time, there were some changes needed to be made to to be truly and honestly happy again.

On the other hand, I totally understand Ginny for being angry with me, sometimes I was acting as a fool, suddenly there were no people from the past (except Dean, of course) and no rules as well. It wasn't very common for me to act spontaneously, and that's what Dean was trying to learn me. Sometimes it was probably a very hard work, but it was him who came with that, after all!

I can't help to smile above all of these memories from New Zealand. I felt so free, as never. Although there were times without responisibilities in my life before, I was never really free, because of my own expectations, which bonded me all the time. I don't say it has changed me so much, but it gave me the peace to my mind I was searching for and I am really gratful for that to both - New Zealand and yes, to Dean. And when I look back at it all again, I am unbelievable sorry for hurting him so much. He didn't deserved that, and I knew.

Every fairy tale has to stop one day, the mine ended up by returning back to London, which I loved, but didn't miss at all. Of course, I was looking forward meeting Ginny, Harry, all of the Weasleys' and after all, even my parents. They still couldn't forgive me breaking up with Ron, but didn't stop to love me, so I hoped that by this time they could be pretty over it. The night before leaving I was with Dean, as most of the days in the last few weeks of my stay in New Zealand. It was a bit cold already, so we took a blanket with us by which we covered when we laid down on the grass in a breathtaking place in the hills which we found out during the first trek which we did together.

The sky was clear so we could see thousands of stars shinning down at us. We were there just like that, lying in silence snuggling to each other, when he suddenly layed over me and gazed into my eyes. "You know I admiringly foolishly adore you, don't you?" I smiled and nodded. "Don't you?" I nodded again. "Say it!" "I do! I do! I do!" I shouted and my voice resonated in the hills. Than I began to laugh, untill he came closer and kissed me gently, as he has already done many times during the time we were there. But this time it was different. It was a promise, promise of loyality and faith. He loved me and I was infatuated by his honesty. The problem is that some people are perfect in their behaviour, in their soul, but still it's not enough to call it life lasting love...

When we left the place to get me to my apartment to go sleep a bit and pack my last things, I felt sad beacuse of leaving him there and going home on my own again, it was nice to be a part of someone again. He had to stay there another month but promised to return to London as soon as he was allowed. We were standing in front of the door to my apartment looking at each other and then we exchanged a few last words.

"I love you Hermione." And he really did. I knew it, just from the way he looked at me. "I love you too." I said to him and then kissed him for the second time that evening. But I didn't. If I did, I couldn't act the way I did. No, I couldn't truly love him, I am sure about it now.

* * *

London welcomed me by all the traffic noise which this horibbly beautiful city brings. "Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to move to the country." I said to myself when entered my flat.

"To where would you like to move Mione? Didn't you get enough of that so far?" There was Ginny standing in the hall in front of me and I put all my things down to hug her. She hasn't changed much, or at least it could not be revealed by the first sight. "So how is the Wedding planning?" "Don't even ask! If I knew what it would have meant, I would have probably broken up with Harry the day he proposed to me just to avoid it. We agreed on a small Wedding with family, friends and just the most helping people during the war to be invited ONLY! And we ended up having a wedding like princess Diana with prince Charles had!"

I laughed and lead my friend to the kitchen. "How did you get in?" "I still have allowed entrance to your flat as one of the few who have. I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only one. But as I look at you and think about of how often you thought of and wrote to your poor friend, I would bet there might be one more guy allowed to entry, am I right?" She grinned and I blushed a bit. How was it that every time I wanted to hide something from her she knew exactly what was going on? She was worse than my own mum!

"I did not get a single word about any men you would spend some time with there so who is it?" "Dean." I whispered hoping she could overhear it, of course she didn't! "Oh my God, so my guesses where right! I am so good at this!"

"Oh Ginny, do not fancy your self so much!" "Why shouldn't I? I am the best top secrets revealing friend in the world." I just grinned and went to make some snack.

"So how serious is it?" "I do not know, I wouldn't say very much. We are close, that's true. But I don't know how it is going to be like when he returns" I was lying, of course I hoped we would continue dating. Ginny, of course, noticed.

"You are lying! It is much more serious than you are saying, isn't it?" "Maybe..." That was the only answered I offered her and she accepted it pretty satisfied. "But let's talk about the wedding now, it's in three days already and I don't even know which dress you prepared me to wear at your wedding as your wedding witness!" "You'll love it, it's simply gorgeous." And she showed me a very beautiful dress in the 50s shape in red wine colour. "So what? Do you like it?" "It is beautiful, thank you Ginny!"

"No thanks, now you at least know that your best friend has a taste." "That's true." I smiled and went to try it if it fits me. It did and I couldn't deny this dress was simply gorgeous. "It's not the dress, Hermione, it's you!" "Oh stop it! And now it's your turn to dress up the dress you are wearing."

"I didn't take it with me but I can show you a photo." I nodded and so she put out a photo out of her pocket. She was standing in a beautiful simple white dress with a bit a lace on the sleeves and shyly smiling in the camera." "Ginny, I don't have enough words to explain how beauifuly you look but I guess Harry will do this work for me." I grinned and she pushed me a bit but smiled as well. "So what are we going to do now now?" "Well you are invited to have dinner with us in burrow. If you don't mind, of course." "Surely not, it will be lovely to meet your parents after such a long time."

"It's actually becoming busier and busier at burrow as our wedding is coming closer." Ginny said with a worry in her eyes, but when I assured her again I would be just fine in such a company she left to give me some time to unpack and get dressed and then I met her at her and Harry's house, before we went to burrow together.

"Prepared?" She asked. I nodded and so we moved to the burrow. When we entered, it was pretty busy there, as Ginny warnef. It was like the Weasleys' children have returned to Hogwarts and were supposed to pack for the school year tonight. Except Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, there was Bill with Fleur, Charlie and George. "Hello!" We said with Ginny unisono.

"Oh Hello sweethearts!" Said Mrs. Weasley and went to hug us before she showed us free chairs at the table to sit. It was a very pleasant evening, we were sitting there eating delicious dinner and I really felt like being the school girl again. "The rest of our family comes tomorrow, except Charlie and Percy who arrive in the morning on Ginny and Harry's wedding becuase of work." Mrs. Weasley explained to me. "I see." I answered with and gave her a smile. She smiled back and so we continued eating. It seemed to have a few rough days in front of us.


	6. Chapter 6

The wedding day was here and everything and everyone seemed to go crazy at the burrow in the morning, when I arrived to help with the last finnishing works.

After a half an hour, all things seemed to be prepared and so Mrs. Weasley asked everyone, except Ginny and Harry to leave until the ceremonial to provide them some privacy before the whole thing began.

I refused to accompany the rest of the Weasleys and went back home to write a letter to Dean that I was fine and a bit selfishly added that I was honestly looking forward when all this mess ended. Then I dressed up and arrived exactly on time to have an option to say some supporting words to Ginny and went to the wedding tent in the garden at the Burrow, very similar to that one in which Fleur and Bill got married.

I didn't pay much attention to other guests who were now filling all free space in the tent and garden. I went to stay in the front part of the tent where Harry was staying, to be among the other wintesses. I smiled at Harry, stepped to the site and then I almost fell down on the ground. In front of me, on Harry's side there was Severus staring at me, with his ususal nothing saying face.

What was he doing here? Stupid question, it was more than clear, Harry has asked him to be his witness! And he agreed? He? To be at Harry Potter's wedding? Why didn't Ginny tell me? Oh, I am going to kill her immediatly! Or maybe I'll wait until the ceremonial ends. For a few seconds we were just looking at each other and then the bride came. I gave her a bit dangerous smile and she smiled calmly back, she obviously knew exactly what was going on but continued like there was nothing bothering her mind. Then the officiant arrived and the official ceremonial could begin.

After that, many people went to say their congratulations to the new couple so I went to the que without giving Severus another look. I went to the end of the que, so when I got to say good luck to Harry and Ginny, I could take Ginny away for a moment and asked her what was going on.

"What do you mean by inviting Severus Snape on your wedding and not telling me a word about that?"

"I was afraid it could make you angry a bit..."

"A bit? A BIT?"

"Oh come on Hermione! Harry told me how important it was to him to have him here and it has been such a long time so I thought you wouldn't mind..."

"Do you know what I do mind? Meeting Severus Snape on your wedding without having an idea he would be here!"

"O.K. I was a bit afraid it could make you too angry, enough to take it as good reason not to arrive, that's why I didn't tell you and now execuse me please, there is a wedding on here, and by the way - I am the bride!." I gave her an apologising look, I probably overreacted, yes, I was angry but still, it was HER day and I had no right to interrupt it. She smiled in agreement and said: "It's O.K." Then she turned away to other guests and I stood there on my own.

It didn't make me less angry, but now it wasn't the time to show it to Ginny... Not now. The rest of the celebration went pretty slow, I was listening to the wedding speeches, I refused to give one and Ginny respected my request. I wasn't very much about the speeches at all, but it was still polite to listen to them. The sun was slowly comming down and the wedding has already turned into a real party. Ginny changed her clothes into a more comfortable one and was now dancing with her brother Bill.

I was staying in one corner of the room with a glass of champagne in my hand, watching those two dancing. I looked around me and saw Severus staying quite close to me, I didn't know how long he has been there, but I frowned.

"It seems you aren't very happy to see me." His cold voice said. I looked at him. He was staying next to me, looking at me carefully, like he tried to find some changes on me since the last time we met.

"You noticed? Oh how observant you are!" I said ironically but it didn't seem it made him angry at all.

"I was invited by Mr. Potter."

"I see. Than enjoy the evening." I said and turned to go out of the tent, but he slowly followed me.

"You know, when you wish someone to have a nice evening, it is like you are saying good bye to the person. And when you say good bye to someone, it means you are leaving. Usually when you leave someone..."

"Thank you, Miss Granger for a lesson of polite behaviour. However I wouldn't say you were the best example of polite behaviour today." He turned to me and gazed into my eyes. Each word he said was coming to me very slowly, but suddenly like I wasn't able to catch them all. I made a step back to the wall of the tent and he made one forward saying: "It seems we haven't seen each other for a pretty long time, Miss Granger."

"That's true sir, the last time we met I wasn't mature and clever enough to intrude you by talking to you." I said coldly. He took another step forward me, but there was no place to drop back anymore. He didn't stop looking into my eyes, now a bit angrily but avidly as well, and then he kissed me. Passionately, like he wanted to do it for the whole day, for the whole week, for the whole life...He surprised me, but if it was because of too much champagne, or if it was because I was dying to do the same for the whole day - I let him kiss me. I don't know how long we were there, I just remember being taken in his arms and moved to his house. Gently.


	7. Chapter 7

We transported in front of an old victorian house in a small village in the countryside. He entered the beautiful main door with me still in his arms and we got to the main hall, where he put me on the floor again, but was careful enough to make sure I didn't get hurt. He pushed me against the wall and began to kiss me passionately again. I put my legs around him and he whispered to my ear: „Not in here."

He took me through the old-fashioned house towards very old wooden stairs. It gave me the time which was enough for me to begin hesitating a bit but it all my thoughts melt when I entered a breathtaking library he led me to. It was a library I have always dreamt about, with a small table to sit and read at the window so you can watch the tree leaves move in the wind, while you are turning the pages. It was all about the feeling you got when you entered the room, which was undescribeable.

„Do you like it?" I couldn't say a word, just nodded. It was breathtaking, just as he was. But when he touched me again, I shook my head a bit to show my disagreement.

"We have to stop. We can't do this."

"Says who?" And he began to kiss my neck very genetly that I couldn't help but moan in satisfaction, which made him continue even more intensively. "Severus, no! Severus please! Please, stop!" I cried with all power I was able to find in myself. But my rational thinking was too weak in comparison to the passion which was burning me alive. He stopped and instead of continuing in torturing me by his gentle kisses he just gazed into my eyes for a while.

"Why did you stop?" I whispered confused." "To give you time to decide whether this is what you want." "I never wanted something so badly" I admitted.

He looked in my eyes again and was getting closer and closer very slowly until I couldn't make it anymore and kissed him. Suddenly we were kissing and touching like there was nothing else in the world but this moment. This feeling. No tomorrow to come, no yesterday to return .

I put my hand in his hair and began to stroke them. His hands has reached my back and were slowly coming down. I began to kiss him on his neck and as he moaned he tried to open the buttons of my blouse. I tried to help him and took my blouse of, revealing my black lace bra. He began to lick my earlobe and I began to open the buttons of his shirt and moved my kisses to his chest.

Then I took it of him and he has pushed me against him so I could feel his pants becoming tight. His hands have reached my bottom and began to stroke it gently. I opened the button of his trousers and he was suddenly in front of me just in his underwear, which didn't stay much longer. My trousers followed and then he took me in his arms and gently put on the sofa in the other corner of his library. He opened my bra and began to lick me from my lips down the neck to my belly button to my knickers, which he began to put down very very slowly, until I had to shout at him to hurry up as I couldn't wait anymore. He gently slipped into me, it hurt a bit in the beginning which made me give a silent cry, which scared him a bit, I made him continue by the moves of my hips. We continued until both of us ended up in sweet satisfiction. He then fell down next me and fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

I woke up and found myself lying in an empty bed. I looked around myself and slowly began to pick together the pieces of my my memories from the previous night. The wedding, the preparation, the guests, Severus…"Oh fuck…" I looked around myself once again and realised where I was.

It was Snape's apartment, or house or whatever. I quickly got out of the bed and began looking for my clothes. It was all lying on a chair folded in a way I was sure not to fold during all the happening the previous night. I shook my had and began to dress up.

There was note under the clothes.

I searched around the house but there was no sign of Severus. I took out a piece of parchment a wrote down a simple note.

_I guess we should talk. Meet me at Leaky Cauldron at 6 pm._

I left it on a coffee table in the entrance hall and made my way out of the building. I didn't know the suburb well so I just quickly apparated to my apartment. Oh what did I do? What the hell was I thinking?

There were two letters for me. The first one was from Ginny, she thanked me for all the help and asked whether I was all right as she couldn't find me for the moonlight picture taking. I had to smirk a bit at the sentence: "I hope you took the presence of Snape well, I know it couldn't be easy for you." "You have no idea." I said to myself.

The other one was from Dean, he wrote he was coming tomorrow and wanted to meet me as soon as possible. Oh fuck. Dean! How could I forget? How can I meet him now? I began freaking out. No, there was no way I could meet with Dean, but of course I had to meet him!

He told me he loved me! That he adored me and all of that silly romantic stuff, what's worse – I told him I loved him back. Yes, of course I do love you, it's great you're back' By the way – I slept with Severus last night, I hope you're OK with it. I'm a bit confused now and I'll need some time to fix it up.

I smirked at my thoughts, rather smile than cry, I thought.

What am I gonna do?

I have to sit down now. What do I actually feel to Snape? Yes, we spent the night, but still, we didn't talk much during the evening except those arguments we threw at each other. So why in the hell did I do it? I've spen quatre of a year abroad, not getting a single note from him since our last meeting which didn't end up well, really, and still I come back and the first thing I do is getting in the bed with him?

How did he do it? Or was it really him? Wasn't it what I actually wanted? And what about Dean? What do I feel to him? To the boy I have spent so much time with recently and who swore to give me his heart if I was willing to accept it. What do I feel to him? I told him I loved him, but if I did, how could I do what I did?

Does this all mean I actually and unconciously love him? A Man I don't even call by his first name? A man I hardly knew and who keeps on pushing me away? God, I'm such a mess.

But I need to sort it out, I have messed it up enough so far, I can't keep on doing like this, have to explain it – not just to myself, but mainly to the people I've been recently playing with, or maybe who were playing with me? Whatever. I can't keep on hurting them, hurting Dean, he deserves better than this.

I wrote a quick message to Dean that I wasn't sure whether I could make it to meet him tomorrow but I would let him know as soon as it was possible. I also sent a message to Ginny wishing her a beautiful honeymoon and apologising for missing at the picture. Than I went to take a shower and prepare myself for the evening, it was going to be a long evening.

I came to the Leaky Cauldron soon, I found an empty table in a corner and sat there. I couldn't help looking at the watch, the time has suddenly stopped.

I have drunk several butterbeers, but he still didn't come, not even an hour after our meeting time. Maybe he didn't get my message? Maybe he didn't want to make a big deal from it, just stupid mistake? Maybe...

I paid for the butterbeer and left the pub heading home, it was time to get to normal life.


	9. Chapter 9

A few weeks has passed since the Ginny's wedding and some things have changed. I broke up with Dean, I couldn't stand lying him into his eyes I had to tell him the truth as he has always been honest with me. Obviously, he wanted to know who was it, but that was a question I resisted to answer. "

_"I gave you my heart! I loved you! I deserved better than that, all I want to know is who caused that all of this has melt in front of my eyes! Who was it? You owe me this one!_ _"_

_He was so desperate, so broken, I never really see how serious this was to him, how much he actually loved me. _

_"I know you do. I hope you can find some place in you heart one day to forgive me. Thank you for everything " I wanted to give him last goodbye kiss, but he turned away from me. _

_"Just leave now. " I wasn__'t sure whether he was more pleading or comanding, probably he himself wasn't particularly sure. So I just left._

I had some dreamless nights, breaking people's hearts isn't really my thing. However, very soon I had bigger problems to care about.

I was meeting Ginny on Saturday, she was finally returning from the pretty long Honeymoon. I was happy for her because part of me was still afraid Harry would call it of in the middle to return to the work. But he kept his promises and I was glad – for both of them.

"Hey Gin!" I said giving her a bear hug when she opened the door of her apartment. "Oh Mione! It's really lovely to see you! I've missed you!" "I bet you did! Harry is sweet, but I doubt he would be half as funny company as I am." I said joking. "Come, you have to tell me everything!"

And so he did, we have spent more than three hours just talking about her honeymoon, comparing her travel experiences to mine and laughing about the funny stories Ginny experienced with Harry when trying to talk the foreign language.

"And how is it with Dean?" Ginny asked curiously.

"It's over. I broke up with him. "

"You did what?" Ginny asked shocked. "I thought you two were pretty serious?"

"We were, but than I did something very stupid and couldn't hide from him. It just wouldn't be fair. And yes, I know you now want to know what did I do, but please, I cannot tell just yet, I still need to think it through."

Ginny opened her mouth but shut it down without saying a word. We sat there in silence for some time and than I decided to change the topic.

"Ginny, has ever happened to you that your patronus has changed?"

"The patronus? Not really, though I've experienced that it happened to some people. It usually happens when something in your life changes – radicaly. It can be meeting someone very important, but it must be very strong, for example when the person dies. "

"That's strange. " I said pensively.

"As far as I know there were two people I know to whom it happened – to Tonks, when Remin kept on refusing being with her, because he thought she deserved better and my mum."

"You mum? "

"Yes, it happened to her the first time she got pregnant. At least my dad said so. They've just got married and they were pretty young. It was a big change for them. By the way, why are you asking, has your patronus changed?"

But I wasn't listening to her anymore. I was counting, I was counting the days since my last period. I was late and from the expression in Ginny's face she realised what I was trying to find out.

"We can find out easier." She said and went to search for a book of everyday use spells. "Here it is!" She pointed the wand at my belly and a few sparkles came out from her wand. They were spinning in the air for a while and then they settled in eight letters: pregnant.

I coverd my mouth by my palm.

"OK, come, let's sit for a while. " Ginny said solicitously. She had to be shocked too, but she decided to cover for the moment to calm me down.

I didn't say a word. I just kept staring in the wall. Still seeing the horrifying word in front of my eyes.

"Let me get you some tea. Than we can talk about it if you want to." She waited for my nod but when she didn't get it she just sighed and went to the kitchen.

She was back with two cups and teapot in about five minutes, but each of the minute seemed to last for hours in the terrifiyng silence of my thoughts.

"Look, " she finally decided to break the silence when handing me the cup, but changed her mind when she saw how much my hands were shaking. "I know you're terrified but no matter what was the reason to break up with Dean, I'm sure you'll find a way out of it. Hey, everyone makes mistakes and as far as I know he is crazy about you, he'll forgive you."

She gave me an encouraging smile, but I didn't smile back.

"Oh come here you silly!" She said and put away her cup to be able to hug me.

"It's not his." I whispered still hugging her.

"Huh?"

"It's not Dean's baby."

"Who else's would it be?" she asked confused.

"I cannot tell you. You would be so disapointed with me." I said and a tear rolled my cheak.

"Who is it Mione? I swear I won't be disapointed no matter who it is."

"Severus." I whispered hardly hearable, but Ginny caught it.


	10. Chapter 10

I was lying on the pavement, it was pretty dark so far and I was aching all over. I remembered the flashes of lights coming from the wands of people in masks – deatheaters. It was like a nightmare awakening. This couldn 't be true, I wasn 't strong enough to face them again, they hit me unexpected. I don't whether they planned, whether they even knew me, but it did'n even matter.

All I could really think of was the pain and – and the baby. I put my hands on belly protectivly, I didn't really begin showing yet, I was in the 10th week only. My belly hurt horribly, as other parts of my body. I tried to sit slowly and then shock came all over me. I was bleeding .- a lot.

"Help me! Please! Please help me!" I began crying though there wasn't a single person around. Suddenly a person from nowhere appeared next to me – it was Harry. "I was just found out on ministry that there was fight with some ex deatheaters. Oh my God, Hermione! Are you all right?"

I shook my head in no, tears rolling down my face one by one. All I could say was: " Mungo's...please..take – take me to St. Mungo's..." He didn't hesitate a minute, he took me in his arms and apparated us qucikly.

Everything else became a bit blured. I remember many healers coming from one room to another, giving me several potions and using all kinds of spells, especially on my belly.

"Please, " I whispered weakly "be careful, I'm..."

"We know, " the nurse said and pressed my hand, "we're fighting for your baby."

"Baby? " Harry asked confused. But I couldn't answer his questions, not now, when I was fighting for her, for my little girl. Yes, it was girl. A few weeks ago I couldn't even think of keeping her and now, when I was at the edge of losing her, I couldn't imagine anything scarier.

I kept whispering words of love to my belly, though I was probably trying to assure rather myself than her, that everything was going to be all right,

Then everything stopped. The healers looked at each other and then at me. I think I had to stop breathing. The nurse, that tried to calm me before came to me closer and once again pressed my hand, this time more weakly. "I'm very sorry, but you have lost your baby. We did all we could."

No, that couldn't be true. I shook my head to explain the nurse she was horribly wrong, my little girl couldn't die, it just wasn't possible, not just like that. "No! No, you're wrong. It's not...It can't be!" "I'm so sorry." "NO!" I cried. "Mione..." Harry came to me and pressed my hand." "No!" I got out of his grip and got up from the bed. "Hermione, what are you doing?" I didn't respond, just headed my way to the door. "You can't go anywhere, you're still very weak and you need some spells to get better." I looked at Harry. He was trying to help me, he was a good friend, but right, there was nothing and noone that could help me. "I'm sorry Harry. " And with one pop I was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

I knew exactly to where I would apparate. I wiped one tear away from my wet face, which didn't help much because two more rolled down.

I didn't knock at the door. I tried to opend it with simple Alahomora and when it didn't work I used several other spells to open it, some of there were more destructive than the others and with help of one kick I got inside. I smahed the door open and entered the hall.

"You bastard. Where are you? Too scared to see me?" I didn't know from where was this ire coming. How that I didn't realise how much I loved and needed my baby?

"I don't care you don't want to see me. I might be stupid and naive but I'm not a doormat!"

I continued through the entrance hall when I finally heard footsteps coming down the staircase.

"It's very kind of you to enrich me with your lovely presence," he said with a smirk and a dose of sarcasm, "but weren't you taught to knock? Not talking about the use of polite words..." But he suddenly stopped when he stood right in front of her seeing how devastated she was.

"You! You..." I spited the words and took steps towards him quickly so we were just inches from each other. I pushed him. He didn't expect my strenght and so he smashed the wall. "What do you think you're doing? "

"You tell me! It was you! You were the one who came to me! You were the one who took me here! Why didn't you come? Why? Was I so meaningless for you? That you couldn't spend two minutes with me in talking?"

He used my moment of weakness and grabbed his wand from his pocket and suddenly I was the one at the wall with his wand pointing at me.

"Is this all about me not coming to Leaky Cauldron? Because your ire seems to be a bit delayed."

I hit him with my fist trying to cause him at least some of the pain I was feeling. "I would have loved you. I was just confused, I didn't know if I wanted her...because...because it was just a one night stand and you didn't care. I didn't know if I should keep my baby and now she's gone! She's gone before I could apologise her for my behaviour, for my hesitating!"

Severus looked at me in total shock, watching me falling apart, desperately trying to take a piece of him with me down there.

"You are telling...You were pregnant?"

I nodded as I was slowly falling down on the floor. I rested my had against the wall and released all the sobs. I couldn't breath, I just let every emotion go through my body again and then slowly leave.

He quickly hid his wand and sat on the floor next to me. He took my hand and pressed it. I looked into his eyes and saw something I have never seen in them before. It was sorrow, so deep I could have drown in it very easily. And then one tear he tried to hold on so much escaped and then others.

"Tell me," he whispered pleadingly. "Tell me about her." He could hardly talk. "I'm not telling you about her, I'm going home!" I tried to get up now but was too weak.

"If you have cared at least a bit, I would have told you everything, you could have been part of her life but that's all just meaningless now." I tried so hard to hurt him in the way he hurt me, but he didn't seem to be botheres by that. He knew me too well and he also knew how people who were in pain acted. And I was in so much pain.

"So then I'm gonna tell you about her," he whispered softly. "she would wisest from the whole class, as you always were. She would take messy hair after you and she would be stunningly beautiful as you are." He added softly. I didn't break the eye contact with him, only nodded.

He then leaned closer to me and took me into his arms and he cuddled me like a baby. "I lost her. I lost her Severus." I whispered crying. "Please forgive me. You haven't even met her. I didn't give you a chance...I just thought that when you didn't appear, that you didn't care for me at all. I'm so sorry I doubted about my love to her. I do love her."

"I know." He whispered into my hair. "You were right, it's all my fault. I didn't come, because I believed you'd be better without me. I didn't believe, you could really love me, I was too scared. To scared of falling in love with you, because you were the first person ever since Lily that got so close to me. "

I held on him even more tightly.

"I understand that you hate me."

"I couldn't hate you even if I tried. But I hate life for taking away from me the best part of me."

I lifted my head which was buried in his chest and gazed into his eyes for a moment before brushing my lips against his softly. He kissed me back hungrily and I reseted against his body in his tight hug once again.

"I have always cared about you." I avoided the slimmy tricky word "love" succesfuly.

"I have care about you since the first time a saw you at the battle anniversary. I did like you at school, but you weren't that attractive to me then." He teased me a bit.

"You!" I said angrily but had to smile. The first smile in a pretty long time.

"Come, I will take you to the bed so you can rest now."

"I have to return home, there's no way I'm staying here tonight." I argued stubburnly.

He only smirked. "And from all I'm not going to your bedroom!"

"So you aren't. I'm taking you there."

He stood up still holding me in his arms carefuly.

"Cheater," I sighed but was too eshaust to continue arguing with him. "Just promise me not to leave this time."

He stole my lips once again.

"I promise."


	12. Chapter 12

It was very early morning when Severus heard knocking on the front door. He had no idea who could have it been, he promised Hermione to stay with her and he didn't plan on breaking that promise. However, the knocking didn't stop and he didn't want her to wake up. She fell aslepp pretty fast, she was exhausted and totally emotionally wrecked.

Later she woke up during the night a few times, she even talked from sleep. She was pleading someone to let her go, let her be. To have some compassion with her girl. Their girl. He didn't know what it meant, all he could see was that they wouldn't get over this very easily. But he would do everything in the World for her to be all right and happy. Everything.

He got up carefuly, making sure he wouldn't wake her and ran down the stairs to the front door.

"What in the hell do you want?" He said when opening the door. "Potter?"

"Good Morning, professor."

"What are you doing here?"

"I have no idea why, but my wife – Ginny, told me there was a chance Hermione would be with you. If I'm wrong, I apologise for disturbing you. But I had to try it. I have been looking for her the whole night and there was no sign of her."

Snape looked at him thoughtfuly.

"You are not wrong. Ms. Granger truly is with me."

"Oh my God! Is she?" Harry asked releaved.

"Why are you looking for her?"

"I was the one who found her lying on the street... "

"Street?"

"She didn't tell you?"

"What exactly?"

"She had an accident. A group of death eaters attacked her. We don't know if hurting concretely her was a purpose or not. She was a part of the so called golden trio, but we don't know, if they even knew it was her."

"She was lying on the street?" The image of unconsious Hermione lying on the pavement defenseless made his blood boil.

"She was, when I found her. They obviously attacked her and then left her there. I don't know how long she had been there, when I arrived, all I know is that when I came, she already woke up and was scared because...Because there was blood alll around her. I don't know if she told you but she..."

Snape closed his eyes and nodded. "She told me."

"Fine, but well, I took her to St. Mungo's but once she was told she lost her baby, she wouldn't listen to anyone. She just left, but she still needs some treatment. She was hurt pretty badly, it's not just her baby that caught the curses.

"Fine, but she's sleeping now. I don't want you to wake her up, but I'll do everything necessary to make sure she is all right. Trust me. But now, who were the death eaters? Nott? Goyle? Lestrange? Give me the names!" He was now holding his shirt, shaking with him a bit.

"Professor, we don't have the names, we don't know."

"Fine, than I find out myself and kill the bastards."

"Please don't, you said you would stay here and take care of Mione, please, do not leave her. Killing them won't help anyone, we need to find out what are they trying to gain by all this mess..."

"You know what doesn't help? Sitting at home with the hands folded. But I'll stay...for now...for her, beacuse I promised. But keep me updated if there was anything new."

"Of course I will. And...thank you for taking care of her."

Snape just nodded and with that Harry left. When he returned to the bed room, Hermione was awake, but she was still lying on the bed her body hidden in the covers.

"I began to worry you wouldn't keep your promise." She said smiling, being happy to see him. "I said I wouldn't leave you. Though I was close. Mr. Potter was here, why didn't you tell me you were attacked?"

I sighed heavily. "What would be the point?" I asked sadly.

"The point is that I could have them caught and killed by now."

"Killing them won't change anything, I hate them, but not enough to kill them, they deserve to go to Azkaban, they are not good enough to have them killed, to make anyone have their blood on his hands - especially not you. You are good man, you cannot kill them."

"I will do everything necessary to make sure they will never come back and hurt you, no matter what it takes."

I slowly nodded understanding. There was no point in arguing with him about it now. I stretched my arms in his direction. "Come to me, please." He smiled and lied next to me.

"Thank you?"

"For what?"

"For everything."

I smiled at his words and fell asleep peacefuly.


	13. Chapter 13

When I woke up again Severus hasn't been in my grip again. I looked around and found him sitting in the corner of the room in an old fashioned sofa watching me carefuly.

"Good morning." I said sleepily.

"Good morning." His deep voice answered.

"How long have I been sleeping?"

"For three days almost."

"What? It cannot be that long."

"You were very exhausted, it is not surprising at all. How are you felling now?"

"Better." I smiled lightly.

"Great, you should. I used some healing spells on you when you were asleep. I didn't know you ran from St. Mungo's."

I smiled guilty. "I could not stay there."

"Still, it was very irresponsible a quite stupid."

"As our relationship." I said sarcasticaly but regreted in when a sad expression appeared on his face. "Sorry, I didn't want to..."

"That's all right, you are actually right. "

"No, I'm not. How is it actually with us now? Can we finally have THE talk?"

"I think you should rest now." He said and got up from the armchair.

"Don't you dare!"

"I beg your pardon?" He asked partly surprised partly warning.

"I don't let you leave just like that this time. I let you once, when I believed you wouldn't care about me at all and I'm not repeating the same mistakes again."

He didn't say a word and turned to leave the room. He must be kidding! I got I up from the bed a bit too fast so I had to stop in the middle of my step as I lost my vision for a few seconds. He probably noticed as he was at my side immediately.

"You're like a child!" He moaned of despair. "I told you have to rest." He tried me to take into his arms to put me in the bed again but I skipped his grip.

"I'm fine, it's just from all thy lying."

"No, it's from being so weak. I should have taken you to the St. Mungo's the very first moment "

"I'm not a child, Severus!"

"We won't agree on this one."

"Really? Who was the one letting me wait for you for whole hour just to find out you would never come?"

"I told you why I didn't come."

"No, you just gave me stupid execuses. But I want no more execuses now, I know you care about me as much as I do care about you didn't, you wouldn't act the way you did when I told you about our baby."

He looked desperately, he was getting lost in her.

"God, of course I care about you. I have loved you since the very first moment we have spent in the woods after the battle anniversary. I have never loved anyone this much since Lily have passed. "

I stared at him blankly. Then I kissed him. He kissed me back like this was what he was waiting for his whole life. I then slowly moved from his lips to his neck and earlobes. I then slowly began to unbotton his shirt when moving us slowly towards the bed.

"Mione" he said in between my kisses. "We cannot do this, you are too weak."

"You think I am weak? Than watch." I provoked him and begant play with his nipples.

"Hermione stop!" He pushed me away from him, but it took him a lot of restraint.

"Please, I want you and I know you want it too." I tried to beat him in this argument.

"I do, but not like this. Not now when both of us are so emotionaly wrecked. I want to keep some dignity for both of us."

I sighed. "But promise me, promise me you will stop pushing me away. Please, just let me stay, let me love you back."

"I...I'm scared. To hurt you, to disappoint you."

"That's just fine, I'm sacred too. Let's be scared together." I said and moved towards him again. I finshed my words with one single kiss on his lips.

"Only if you promise me not to leave me. I couldn't stand losing you..."

"I'm not going anywhere." I smiled and hugged him tightly.


	14. Chapter 14

It's been a month since I came to Severus in the middle of the night crying, trying to hurt him a surprisingly finding comfort in him. If I thought that what I felt for Dean was love, then I don't have words for what I felt for Severus.

He was extraordinary, he hides all his emotions under the masks he wears among people but when he decides to take it off for someone, for me, there is such a wonderful loving and caring man that would do anything in the World to protect his loved ones.

It was about time for me to get back to the work. For the past month I have just lived in this special World we've built with Severus together which met the World outside there only when I was replying to Ginny's and Harry's letters, assuring them that everything was all right. I've visited Ginny during that time just once, but she understood I needed some time to adjust to the whole new situation.

But the time was inexorable. I had to return to the reality and begin working otherwise my boss would probably cast some of the unforgivable curses at me.

It's also true the aside other places we have spent a lot of time in my bed and the fact that for the first time in a very long time I had to get up early and leave didn't make it easy for either of us.

"Where are my shoes?"

"What?"

"I ask where are my shoes, they were exactly here…or weren't they?" I became a bit unsure, but Severus just liyng on the sofa, not realizing the world is still moving honestly made me angry. "Hey! Stop lying on the stupid sofa and help my find my shoes!" He looked up at me and smirked. "I'm afraid I cannot help you with the shoe thing, but I'm sure I could help you to get lost some other part of your clothes, what about the shirt?"

"Stop it! It's not funny! I really need to find them or I'm already late at work now, I can't afford to come even later. Stop it! Stop grinning!" Of course, it made him grin even more. „What about using the magic, Hermione?"

"Oh God, I'm so stupid. I'm freaking out here for such a long time while I could have already been at work."

"Or somewhere else…" "Hey! I think it was enough for today!" I said and threw a shoe, which has just flyed to my hand at him.

"Ouch! Enough for today, really? What about the evening?"

"I'll have to think about it twice." I said but had to grin.

"And now give me the shoe!"

"Just if you tell me it isn't all for today."

"I'll see, and now give it to me!"

"Promise, or I won't give it to you."

"You selfish nitwit! Accio shoe!"

"Expelliarrmus!" He stopped my spell. I stared at him with opened mouth.

"How dare you?!"

"Well, you threw it at me before, so I thought it was a gift." Fire was playing in his eyes. If I haven't spent a month in his constant presence I would never believe that that dark professor of dungeons could have acted the way he did.

"All right, if you don't give it to me, then I take it myself." I said and went to him dangerously.

"Don't even try to think something is going to happen tonight after this!" I said while staying upon him, trying to get the shoe.

"But that would be shame!" He said, when I finally touched the shoe, but he didn't let it go. Instead of that he used his second arm to get me on the sofa next to him.

"What are you doing?."

"I'm trying to prove you what kind of shame it would be if you stayed angry with me too long."

* * *

I came late. Very late but the boss was either so happy that I even arrived that he didn't comment my late arrival at all. It was nice to get back to the work, in the end it gave me a chance to show that I'm still a great witch no matter the accident that happened a month ago.

When I finshed Ginny was waiting for me, she wanted to surprise me.

"Oh Ginny! It's so nice to see you." I smiled at her and gave her a hug.

"I'm glad you still remember my name." She teased me a bit, but I deserved.

I cannot stay for much longer, Harry is waiting for me. We're…celebrating."

"What is the venue?" I asked curiously.

"I'm pregnant!"

"Oh Ginny! That's great! How far?"

"I'm two months along, the healer said it's a girl!" She smiled happily.

I tried to smile back, but it hurt. A lot. So I just nodded saying it was great once again. That was when she realised.

"Oh Mione, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise it would remind you…"

"That's fine Gin, really. It's not all about me." I assured her.

"You know, you can always try it with Severus again. When you feel prepared."

I nodded sadly.

"I actually don't even know if he wants a family. He was devastated as I was because of losing our girl, but after all, we didn't plan it. Any of it."

"And still it all happened and you're happy now. Sometimes the best things that happen in life are unplanned Mione."

"You're becoming a wise woman, just like your mother."

"Well I hope I won't end up sharing my wisdom with as many children as she had. Harry wants a big family." She grinned. "But I actually came to invite you and Mr. Snape for afternoon tea.

I had to smirk at the picture of Snape having an afternoon tea.

"It doesn't have to be really afternoon tea, you can just come on Saturday afternoon, that's it." She explained further sounding a little bit annoyed.

"I'd love to come, I have to discuss it with Severus first, of course. He has been at your wedding but still I don't see him getting on with Harry very well."

"They're both pretty complicated personalities, that's true. But that's another reason for meeting."

"All right, I'll talk to him." I smiled

I gave her hug and apparated home. The day without Severus was almost never ending. I even forgave him making me come late to work.


	15. Chapter 15

"Severus? " I called in to the entrance hall once I came house seemed empty. I got used to Severus´ place quite quickly but everytime I was left alone in there I found it too huge. The walls were so high and the nice spacious room only reminded me how lonely I was.

No, of course I wasn´t lonely, I had Severus and he was all I needed. But when he was gone I couldn´t help realising how I can´t live without him.

I sighed and went to the kitchen to make some tea. I then sat in a comfortable arm chair in the living room with a cup of tea in one hand and a book in another. I loved the smell of the green tea Severus stored in his kitchen. He would always tell me I wouldn´t sleep after drinking it but it didn´t work for me at all.

Actually, when he finally arrived he must have found me sleeping in the armchair with a book opened on one of the first pages.

He stopped at the doorway and watched m efor a moment thoughtfully. He then came closer and kissed me on my forhead. I woke up and looked at him confused.

"Good morning, darling. Or better say evening. " "Where have you been? " "I had some business to get solved…" I raised an eyebrow. "Why can´t you give me a straight answer? " "Because it´s nothing of a great importnace. " I sighed but let it go, in the end. The fact was that Severus kept going after deatheaters that cursed me that horrible day I tried to forget.

"I´ll get myself a cup of tea, would you like something? " I shook my head in no and watched him leave for the kitchen.

Then I decided to follow him. He was turned to me, pouring water into a kettle.

I don´t know what it was that made me start that conversation, however I did.

"Severus, do you really love me? I mean…this isn´t just something temporary, is it? "

He immediately turned to face me with a questioning look. "You know very well how I feel about us, sweetheart, don´t you? It´s not like I didn´t tell you five times a day…"

"Thanks for avoiding the concrete words…"

"Oh God! Hermione! " he said exhausted with a rising voice. He got closer to me and looked into my eyes.

"I love you. I always have and I always will and there´s nothing and noone that could change anything about it. The day you came into my home was the best day and the worst day of my life…It meant I can fall asleep holding you tight but it was also the day…"

He shut his eyes for a moment. Like he didn´t want me to see his pain. I took his hands into mine and then hugged him tightly. I leaned to his face and whispered: "I want a baby. I want a baby with you. "

He looked at me and I wasn´t able to read his expression. "Hermione, there is no such pain comparable to the one I experienced when finding out we lost our baby. But…are you sure? I mean, it wasn´t planned last time…"

"She. She wasn´t planned. It was her, our little girl that died that day…" I rezisted, bitter in my voice.

"Bloody hell, yes! It was a girl Hermione and nothing will bring her back. Not even another child. "

I looked at him with hurt in my eyes. He didn´t want to have a child with me. He would accept our baby but it wasn´t what he willingly wanted. At least not now, or not with me. Perhaps not ever.

"It´s not about replacing anyone…Don´t you think I know our child isn´t replacable? The thing is I wanted a baby and I wanted to have it with you. Being pregnant made me realise I´m actually ready for that, but there´s no point in talking about it when…"

He leaned to me and kissed me. He then broke the kiss and gazed into my eyes once again. "I love you and I want whatever you do. If being mother is what you wishes we might try for a child. All I want is you being happy. That´s all. I´m not sure I´ll be a good father but I will do my best to be at least…acceptable. "

"You don´t have to try. If you give our child half of the care you give me, it will bet he happiest baby in the world…"


	16. Chapter 16

One year and half later

"Good morning little Johnatan, shh…Mommy's here. I know, but don't cry." I said as I took my baby from the crib. "Dada!" "Of course, of course, how could I forget who is your favourite?" Daddy was always winner of his heart. I knew he loved me, but there was just always something about his dad.

Obviously, I could understand him, after all, I loved his dad too. I cuddled him and after changing his clothes I took him downstairs. "Hey dad! There's someone eager to see you." Severus came from his study and smiled when seeing Johnatan. "You used to smile at me this way." I teased him.

He stopped in the middle of his move. "I'm joking." I thought I should have explained but instead of nodding he leaned to me and gave me a very deep kiss. "You'll always be the woman of my heart, but right now, this buddy has stolen it. Hasn't you?" Johnatan laughed and I couldn't resist joining him. "But let's go now."

If someone told him how infinitely happy I was going to be now two years ago, I would have sent him to St. Mungo's. I still cannot believe my luck.


	17. Chapter 17

I kept walking from one wall of the room to another. Johnatan has just fallen asleep and I needed to keep myself moving, otherwise I would have gone crazy. Where was Severus right now? Was he all right? He was one of the most wanted targets of this stupid revolution.

It was him who foolished Voldermort and made him believe him so he could have sent the inner information forward. He was playing a double game, a dangerous one and now there were too many people who wanted him to pay.

And now he was gone somewhere out there trying to safe innocent people once again. He shouldn't be there, he has done enough so far, no one could blame him for not helping again. He deserved to lead a bit calmer life. We all did.

But what was I thinking! There was no way Severus would just rest on the sofa waiting for the World to be overtaken by death eaters once again. No, it wouldn't be him.

I feel exhausted, too tired to be fighting again in such a short period, that's the reason why I'm the one sitting on a sofa while other people fight out there, or isn't it? But who isn't tired? Harry is out there fighting and for sure he hasn't suffered any less than I did. And Ron for sure too!

It was only me waiting at home. Or let's say at this hiding place, because I definitely couldn't the place we moved to in order to be safe call home. Maybe it wasn't just me, there were many women staying at home taking care of their kids, it was obvious that not everyone could go out and fight. But I couldn't stand it anymore, not like this.

I ran to the Johnatan's room and stoo dat his crib for a minute watching him sleeping calmly. He looked like an angel everytime he was asleep. It was worse when he woke up. I didn't want to wake him up so early, he wasn't asleep longer than half an hour, but I just couldn't bear it anymore.

I caressed his cheek softly and began to whisper: "Darling, we have to wake up. I know, I'm sorry baby, but we have to go." He began to argue with me a bit sleepily and then he opened his eyes widely. "Dada?" He asked curiously, though I found it more pleading.

"No darling, dada isn't here. But we're going to visit auntie Gin and I'm sure we will be seeing dada soon." I knew he couldn't understand all I said, but I felt the urgue to explain him. To explain me why was his daddy missing.

I took him from the crib and dressed him up so we could leave. I also packed him some spare clothes and favourite toys. I took almost nothing for myself, there where I planned to go wouldn't spare clothes help me much.

When everything was ready I took all the luggages and Johnatan and apparated to the only place that came to my mind as a safe place for Johnatan and it was at Ginny's.

"Oh my God Hermione!" Ginny cried putting back her wand she took out prepairing herself for a fight. "You scared me to death! But wait… Who is the father of your child?"

"What? Are you kidding me?" And that was when I realized. We never made our relationship official, it was too dangerous for me (though I didn't care about that much) and for Johnatan – which mattered the most. "Severus Snape." I answered with a smirk.

"Fine, than it really is you Hermione." She said relieved and went to hug me. I laid the luggages on the floor to be able to hug her back. "Oh and here is my favorite godchild!" She said smiling at Johnatan. "Come to auntie!" She said taking him from my arms.

Then stormy noise disturbed our conversation. Johnatan began crying from the shock and I began turning around searching source of it. Of course – it was Ginny's twins Jamie and Charlie.

"Boys!"What did I tell you about using the wizarding fire crackers? Come her!"Both of you Charles!" They came to their mother unwillingly and stood in front of her waiting for the punishment.

Then they noticed me and their eyes caught little flames. What were they up to? One could never be sure.

"Hello auntie!" They said unison. "Hello boys." I smiled at them but then turned to Ginny who was now trying to calm down Johnatan and was pretty successful. "There will be no dessert for any of you tonight." "Mom!" Jamie argued. "Don't argue with me or I'll make it a week without desserts." He sighed angrily and left the room with Charlie following.

"They are just like the copy of George and…" I didn't finish my thought, we have never really talked about Fred since he died, it's been a few years and still it hurt a lot.

Ginny nodded in understanding. "I'm afraid I'm going crazy because of them but they really are like them. I think Charlie is more Fred, I have talked about it with George who of course adores his boys and gives them all of this stupid stuff like wizarding firecrackers – I'm honestly going to get him for these! "

I had to smile. "But come in. You have no idea how happy I am to see you. Would you like some tea?" I nodded and went to sit at her kitchen table. Her place was pretty similar to mine, it was just a bit more messy because of the boys who simply never got tired.

Ginny then looked at my bags and smiled. "Why haven't we thought of it earlier? We should have moved in together in the very beginning! The waiting drives me crazy and being here alone all day long doesn't make it any better. I'll prepare you the rest room." She winked at me and went to prepare the room as she said.

"Ginny wait!" "What? Didn't you plan on staying? I just so the bags and stuff so I thought you didn't want to be alone." She smiled again.

"The truth is Ginny, that I wanted to ask you to take care of Johnatan for some time."

She froze and looked at me in surprise. Then she realized. "No…No, there's no way you're going to fight out there." "Ginny I…" "No, listen to me. You know me, you know my nature and how much I hate sitting here and just waiting for the news, but it has a reason! We are not the kids without responsibilities to anyone anymore."

"Ï know, but I can't take it anymore, I need to find Severus, to make sure he's all right and help him fight the death eaters. It's just not me anymore, can't you see it? The old Hermione would never agree to stay away if anything like this was happening…"

"But the thing is, you're not the old Hermione anymore, honey!"

"I get it Ginny, you've got twins there's not really a way to let them stay without you but Johnatan can make it without me for some time…"

"It's not really the only reason." Ginny whispered not looking into my eyes.

"Huh?"

"I think I'm pregnant Mione, I didn't tell Harry but I was this close to go and fight but then I found out and just..."

"Of course Ginny, I understand. But I just can't handle it this way. I have lost Severus too many times to lose him again. I have to go and fight. Can you please také care of Johnatan? Please?"

Ginny sighed. "I really don't want you to do this. Johnatan needs his mom."

"But he also needs his dad and safe World to live in."

"Severus is going to kill me once he finds out I let you go."

"You'll have enough time to escape once you find out I was murdered." I winked at her and Ginny had to smile.

"When are you leaving?"

"Now."


End file.
